The Difference between Secrets and Surprises: Why it Matters for Kids
By: the Dakota Children’s Advocacy Center
Surprises and secrets may seem similar, but they send very different messages to children. A surprise is something positive—like a birthday gift or a special trip—that will eventually be revealed and bring joy. A secret, on the other hand, is something meant to stay hidden, sometimes indefinitely.
Even innocent-seeming secrets, like keeping a treat hidden from a sibling, can teach children that secrecy is normal and acceptable. This can make it harder for them to recognize when a secret is unsafe—such as if someone tells them not to talk about hurtful or inappropriate behavior. When children are conditioned to keep small secrets, they may struggle to speak up when it truly matters.
Instead, encourage kids to share openly with trusted adults. Let them know they never have to keep secrets, especially if someone asks them to. Replacing the word “secret” with “surprise” helps reinforce this message, making it clear that good things are meant to be shared, not hidden. Teaching this distinction early helps build a foundation of trust, ensuring that children feel safe speaking up when they need help.
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